The Plumbing Lecture

Tis the season for that migratory bird known as the houseguest to make its annual journey over hill and dale and even Atlantic Ocean to land in our home for its short-lived visit. This particular species, Scanlanus Childrini, often comes with an assortment of baggage and colorful native costumes. Plumage might range from denim overalls to raggedy t-shirts to severely distressed footwear. Oddly enough, the ‘rents invariably wind up at the mall replacing said worn out gear, though they are happy to do so.

Being a minimalist group, backpacks are the favored luggage, as they strain the meaning of the designation “carry-on.” The male of the species usually arrives with a soiled stinking sack which morphs into recognizable garments after a run through the laundry. The smart traveler stuffs an empty duffel into a backpack—something to carry off Christmas treasures.

These “snow birds” (aptly named since they seem to seek out wintry conditions as they currently nest in more temperate climes) often arrive unprepared to deal with the harsh conditions to be found in their temporary quarters. For instance, the thermostat in this birdhouse is set at 66. They may be accustomed to toastier temps, but will have to adapt to a slight chill. Acrylic blankies and thick socks sometimes need to be applied to exposed extremities.

In addition, they must all receive the plumbing lecture. It goes as follows: The water upstairs sometimes does not shut off completely without a little help. It can run stealthily down the drain as the user blithely leaves the bathroom without a thought to checking the faucet. Don’t crank down on it with your hand—it’s liable to snap off. Just a little tap should suffice. Also, please note that the flush lever on the toilet may not come back up on its own and you may have to lift it into place. Otherwise, same problem as above: water running all night. Don’t use the shower upstairs either. The water is likely to come through the kitchen ceiling like it did that one time. Yes, you have to go into the basement. Yes, it’s cold down there, but too bad. Just jump out of the way when you first turn the water on so you don’t get hit in the face with a flood of frigid water. In the downstairs bathroom, mind the flush lever as well. The chain has a tendency to kink and the flap stays open and there you have it: running water.

Oh—if you want to do laundry, just use the left hand side of the dryer control and set it for 50 minutes. The other side doesn’t work.

Be a nice houseguest and put the remote back where you found it, put your dirty drinking glasses and empty Coke cans in the kitchen. The blue trash can is for recyclables (which you taught us to use, after all) and the gray one is for trash. You can find the gray one in the downstairs bathroom where it’s safe from the dog.

“Why don’t you get this stuff fixed?” they invariably ask.

To which we respond, “Why? Is it broken?”

It’s all a matter of what you are used to. We like it like this. Quirky plumbing, frugal thermostat setting and hidden trash can.

So welcome—make yourselves at home! Just be careful of that first step.